RiffTrax Shorts

What would you do if you visited an elderly aunt only to find her injured on the floor? Would you regret that you had not been there when she fell from the stepladder, because if you had you could have captured the hilarious moment on video, uploaded it to YouTube, then awaited the inevitable dance remix, complete with her auto-tuned screams? Or would you telephone for help?

Where have all these kids parents gone? No answer is given. Why have they gone? A few minutes with the awkward, goony children they've left behind is all the explanation you'll need. If Home Alone's notorious Wet Bandits had shown up at these kids' houses, they would have turned away in sadness.

Welcome to the 1930's trend of washing your clothes with gasoline! Every housewife on Main St. could be found submerging her delicates in petrol to get out those pesky grass stains. Thrill as the young mother dunks her bathrobe in diesel! Chill as her vigorous rubbing causes deadly static electricity sparks! Laugh as she runs around in mock agony as she is engulfed in terrible flame animation!

You might expect this film to cover several different diets, or at least something "circus-y". You silly fool! The filmmakers instead focus on the low-carb Atkins Diet. They even wrote an anti-Atkins torch song and dressed the kindly old doctor up in a heinous plaid coat. Mike, Kevin, and Bill are willing to try any diet plan as long as the words "pork fat smoothie" are involved.

Yes, the library, or liberry, if you're an idiot, is the hot spot in town for fancy book learnin' (replacing Luigi's PizzaMat, which held the title from 2004-2009). Library World tells the story of two children who are on the verge of making this discovery.

Tommy, the hero of Decisions, Decisions, was forced to move to a decrepit farm for the sake of his father's "good job". Tommy will get little support from his mother, a dazed, gin-soaked woman. Given this background, Tommy is ill-equipped to handle even the most basic decision. In this case, the decision is whether or not to hang out with Joey, the most horrible boy on the planet.

The producers of William's Doll want you to believe that a boy with a doll is perfectly normal. For some reason, they made a film that convinces everyone of the exact opposite. We here at RiffTrax are as open-minded as they come regarding childhood toys. Some of us even grew up playing with a toy called Stinkor: The Evil Master of Odors, and we turned out all right.