Tripping the Rift

When I saw an advertisement for a trip to the Beginning of Time, I knew I had to go, if only for the free booze on the plane.

Captain's Log, date unknown, because Gus didn't flip the calendar - again. It's so damn hard for a guy to watch a big mutilation ball game in peace.

Captain's Log, half past drunk and 99 bottles of beer on the wall: Some people just don't deserve to judge beauty pageants.

Captain's Log, somewhere between Six and 69: Some days start off bad and get better.

Stardate: April Fool's Day - a.k.a. Tax Day Minus Two Weeks. While my crew and I were watching the enlightening sociological documentary Joe Bachelor, Bob got so distracted by its insights that he flew us straight into a black hole.

Captain's Log.Today, I had a classic bad-news, good-news scenario on my hands

Captain's Log: Kinda nutty, a little corny, need to get my commode fixed now. When I stick a funky monolith on a primitive planet in exchange for a hefty payoff from Darph Bobo, I usually don't give a flying crap about what that monolith does to the planet's innocent, unsuspecting natives.

Captain's Log, six of one and half a dozen of the other.Most of the time I have no idea how we end up in these messes. This is not one of those times.

Captain's Log, stardate way past my bedtime: Darph Bobo had found us at last. In other words, again.

Captain's Log: The ship is fully loaded and we're skipping out on the bar tab. Let me tell you why.I had been hoping to enjoy a nice, normal day - making millions by pimping a singing, self-spanking monkey encased in a diamond - but my dumb A.I. Bob went and got himself shot up by Harmonia VII's defense system.

Captain's Log: Whip's sixteenth birthday and umpteenth hissy fit. Like every other punk kid I've ever met, Whip dissed the present I gave him for his sixteenth birthday.

Captain's Log...stardate unknown (because I'm too hung over to read the frecking chronometer).Lugging a giant load of cocoa-butter skin cream was going to make me some handy extra cash, but Bob let go of the cream too early.

Captain's Log, stardate unknown (because Whip shorted out the main computer with a fluid so disgusting I don't even want to know what it is).