RiffTrax Shorts

There's little Mark, who wants to be a "telephone person" when he grows up. Or Michael, who informs teacher that the sound of a beating heart sounds like "boxing gloves." Joining these little tykes are teacher's casual sexism, impressions of Indians that are still stuck in the 1870s (or 2019 Football teams) and you've got our latest baffling "educational" short: Starting School!

Whether you're delivering a speech to the UN general council or giving a toast at your cousin's wedding, there's one thing for certain: you're probably boring the hell out of everyone. Also, you're using verbal communication. In fact, verbal communication has made the AARP's "Top Ten preferred methods of communication" list for nearly twenty years running.

We all get angry. The kid in this short certainly does, and with just cause! You see, he brought a toy space capsule to school for show and tell, and some other careless kids knocked it over. What transpires would make Kurosawa proud as the retelling of events includes multiple viewpoints, with unreliable narrators, conflicting accounts, and a break for snack time.

Nothing says "atomic death is nigh" like a cartoon turtle named Bert singing a playful song. But there's nothing funny about protecting yourself from a city-incinerating blast with... a folded newspaper on your head. Yeah. Good luck, kids! It's time to crawl under your desk with Mike, Kevin, and Bill, then stick your head between your legs and kiss your Duck and Cover goodbye!

The Bernard in question here is a pooch, a canine, and he's hell on four legs, baby. He's reckless and wild. And his young owner Glenn, being named Glenn, is no match for the situation. But that's not even the worst of it. Okay, well the worst of it is...Bernard sings. And despite what you might expect from a clumsy trouble making dog named Bernard, the singing is not very good!

When thinking of classic Christmas specials, it's not long before Snoopy comes to mind... dog? What dog? We're talking about the much better known Snoopy the Brownie, of course, who works for Santa and helps keep his menagerie of terrifying living toys in line while he naps off his most recent egg nog bender. There's also the Candy Lion! Yes, the Candy Lion, the lion who can eat candy!

This short gets off to a good start when a young boy is forced to drag the family goat off to sell at the market. Despair, bleakness, the tears of children - you know, everything you look for in a holiday special. But then he keeps dragging it. And dragging it. We almost gave up hope. And then Zlateh shows us that miracles do happen - and that we have a new RiffTrax Holiday Classic on our hands.